girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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