Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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