I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
