He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
