apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
