its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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