i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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