I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How naked do you want me to be?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
