I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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