Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
