Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
