I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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