My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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