My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
