i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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