I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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