Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
