So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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