i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
