I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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