R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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