Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
how drunk are you?
Several
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
