my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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