I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
