how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
