At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check