She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it