Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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