Sober January is a disaster.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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