Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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