my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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