Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
