why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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