I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
