New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
