oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
