dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
