OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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