He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
