he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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