i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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