I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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