She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
