I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
