Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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