vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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