I'm pants shitting drunk right now
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
