I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So vagazzling was a success
I need a beard to bite.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
