I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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