The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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