why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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