Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
