how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
