is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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