And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
