What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
