Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
