we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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