Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just pee around me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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